In this new generation of ‘self-love’, I often it find it hard to fit in. I’m better than I have been in the past but nowhere near where I want to be and I hadn’t really thought about it until shooting these photos.
There hasn’t been an outfit post here on the blog for over a year which is shocking considering I’m a ‘fashion’ blogger. Time and time again I’ve put together a look, felt cute as heck in it, taken photos for instagram and then poof – I look at myself for just a little bit too long in the mirror and the love for it has gone. And as you can probably tell by the title of this post, it’s the same thing that happened with these photos.
The plan for this post was to be a relaxed toe-dip back into posting fashion posts but when I got in front of the camera, everything crumbled. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know how to stand and that wasn’t helped with how I felt when I looked at them after. Most of the photos were met with “Oh god I look awful. Oh god my legs…I hate them. No, I don’t like this omg no ew” and so on and so forth.
I began picking apart things I’d never noticed before – like the way my hip looks when I put weight on my leg, how awkwardly short and small my top half is and even how bloody badly I need a haircut. The blog-worthy, insta stylish photos I’d envisioned in my head were slowly crumbling away the more I looked at them.
JUMPER: NEW LOOK // JEANS: PRIMARK
My legs and I have always had a rocky relationship. As a kid I was playing in a different team every day at school, I danced every weekend and I was fairly ‘slim’. As I got older I got slightly bigger and always felt like I was being judged and compared to my younger sister and our friends. I mean there’s even a little a joke in the family that my sister got the skinny body and nice hair and I was left with the brains, boobs and a butt. At the time I didn’t act on it, I just assumed that it was a phase and that it would all disappear but it wasn’t until year 12 rolled around that things just crumbled and went downhill.
I look back at photos from that time and whilst my hair was beautifully long back then (seriously past Becca what were you thinking cutting it to your shoulders??!!) I feel like I’m looking at a stranger. A lot of things were lost – weight, entire friendship groups, relationships and my performance in school was laughable.
My brain had developed an unhealthy obsession with trying to look a certain way and you can see just how thin (for me) my legs were getting in an outfit post from my first year at uni and this fixation with trying to change my legs did nothing but ruin everything else. ((I could write a whole series on the nitty gritty of all this but I’m a professional rambler and that’s not the point of this post)).
This post isn’t to dwell on the past, it’s about these photos. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want them to see the light of day. I took one look at my legs and wanted to run away. If it wasn’t for Connor being behind the camera then I’d have given up after the first shot. But I felt bad. We’d been working hard all day, we’d planned to do this and I knew I wanted to get a post up.
Whilst the didn’t make me feel great about myself, they inspired me. There’ll be a post going into this more but I’m trying desperately to step out of my comfort zone.
So that’s what I’m doing.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
These photos might have been a shock to me and not necessarily the ‘fashion blogger look’ that I was going for but that was a given. I haven’t been in front of the camera (apart from a good ol’ selfie) for at least a year and I naive in thinking that everything would be fab.
In an industry full of high quality photos and fashion week worthy outfits, these photos would normally not be worthy of a blog post but I’m doing this for me. Whilst it’s important to create good content I also think it’s great to strike a balance with posting some of the bad days too and do you know what? It’s working.
Since creating this post and looking at these photos I’ve begun to see my body in a different light. Yes my legs aren’t what they used to be, my torso is weirdly short and I have 50 shades of gingery brown hair but this is who I am. I spent so long of my life looking at photos and seeing a stranger, but in these? I see me.