“I feel like I’m having an identity crisis lately, I just don’t feel like ‘me’- my hair isn’t quite right, I don’t have a clue what my skin is doing right now and I feel like my body should belong to a different person”
It’s no secret that I struggle with my appearance. It’s something that I’ve promised to ‘go into more detail’ about on numerous occasions (again, it’ll happen at some point) and something that I’m constantly going into more detail with myself and my head every day.
The prime example being these photos. Now yes, you might recognise them from my instagram alongside yet more promises of them being featured in a post but I just couldn’t. There was just something about them that just stopped my brain from doing anything about them. And it fits with the idea that I’m constantly going into more detail with the relationship I have with myself. In the moment, I felt great. I loved being free in the midi skirt and in an outfit that – at that time – made me feel fabulous. Yet when I looked at these photos, I felt weird, I didn’t feel like I was looking at myself.
It’s the first time in a while that I’ve looked at a set of photos and I’m not blinded by what my eyes want me to see. I can see that my body has changed since the last time I properly looked at it. My hips and stomach are that lil bit bigger and what I’m seeing in these photos isn’t necessarily what my eyes have led me to believe when I look in mirror, but what I’m doing with that realisation has changed. ((edit: the more I think about it that prouder I am, the photo at the top of this post and the one I’m plastering on social media is the reason I felt so naff about myself and yet here I am, feeling totally okay with it being everywhere))
OUTFIT: ALL FROM PRIMARK
Now don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a post detailing the things that I’m not exactly a fan of, more so how I’m feeling now that I’m aware that a) I don’t like how I look in these photos and b) I’m totally okay with that. (Please bare with me I promise you there’s a point to all this).
This time 2 years ago, and even a year ago, the fact that I wasn’t happy with how I look would’ve broken me. I’d be upset over the fact that I’d be feeling that way and instead of doing anything about it, I’d wallow in the fact that I was feeling this way – ultimately making it last longer and feel a lot worse. But now, for some reason, it doesn’t bother me (as much) anymore. I should clarify that it doesn’t mean that I don’t care, more that I don’t try to let it affect me as much.
I’m human. I can’t always be a fan of myself and how I look 100% of the time, and I can happily stay that I accept that. And in doing so, I’ve also started to make progress with how I see myself.
Now I promised that there would be a point to this post so here we go – I personally don’t like how I look in some of the photos in this post. But whilst I am aware of that, I also don’t mind it. In the moment when bubba was taking these photos, I felt great. I felt ‘like a girl’ and I truly loved how I felt. And that’s all that matters. In focussing on how I felt in the moment, I forget to let myself be consumed by the thought of not liking what I see.
I’ve found myself being more comfortable in my own skin and what I’m wearing (don’t get me wrong, my body and how I look is something I still struggle with immensely) and that’s crazy. I guess this post is just a way for me to document that the way I view myself can change and that things don’t have to be doom and gloom, tears and body issues for me 24/7 – as long as I don’t let it be that way.
These photos have allowed me to understand what it is that makes my mind think certain things and has got me starting to combat issues that have been with me for most of my teenage life. Things won’t always be this way, I know that, but like the title says – I don’t always love myself and do you know what? That’s okay.