Facing change. A quintessential right of passage within human existence and one that – as resilient beings – we often go above and beyond to avoid. It can leave us broken and confused, lost and with no idea of who or where to turn to. It can also provide the stepping stone to our greatest successes, giving us new loves, new lives and new lessons to learn and thrive from.
From an early age, I’ve never been one to accept change. During a time where Freddos weren’t 30p, we didn’t have a jumped-up Wotsit running America and the sweet sound of manufactured bubble-gum pop filled our ears, my 7-year-old self had nothing to ~really~ worry about. It’s no surprise therefore, that when my S Club party came to an abrupt end (they announced their break-up as I was in the crowd at one of their shows), I didn’t exactly have the best reaction.
This inability to adapt and process change has followed me into my 20’s and now, when faced with something outside of my I need to know exactly what’s happening/when it’s happening/with whom/on a scale of 1 to definitely how likely is it that I’m going to cry? frame of mind, I’m rendered useless. Left as nothing more than the physical embodiment of panic and fear, change and I are just a big no-no.
“Sometimes, things happen. Unexpected ones. And it changes your life in an instant. All your prayers, all your problems, and all the things that once bothered you before, all the things that you wish were unsolvable just dissolve and vanish away in an instant like smoke. You can’t even pinpoint when and where it all happened, or the specific moment or event that marks the change. But for some reason, you know without a doubt that you’re now standing on the after of before”
CYNTHIA GO // THE AFTER
We’re told it’s important to remain responsive to our surroundings (although you try telling that to a stadium of 7-year-olds who have just had their hearts broken) and that having an adaptive personality is a desirable attribute – but when it leaves me sobbing in a yet-to-be-unpacked uni bedroom at the start of second year and unable to comprehend my entire existence up to that point, am I wrong to be so scared of change?
That’s the thing I’ve struggled with for so long, particularly since graduating in July – why am I so scared of it? Is it because I like the way things are now and don’t want them to change? Considering I’m writing this blog post about it you can take an educated guess. Is it that my fear of the unknown will push those I love away? Fuck yeah. Or is it simply because I convince myself that I can’t cope with change, and that regardless of what happens, it will bring no benefit and nothing but mental breakdowns and fear into my life? The latter of the three is right, but good lord is it wrong.
The thing I’ve always struggled with – along with the not knowing and fear of what the outcome might be – is that it operates at a pace that just doesn’t fit with my mental schedule. Like sorry change, could you at least book in an appointment before you get in the way of my ice cream eating/Masterchef binge-watching time?
One of the biggest things I’ve learnt from this year is to listen to myself more and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing whilst I’ve been away. I’m becoming more in tune with why my body and brain react to certain things in a certain way and more importantly, why I should be okay with that.
Change doesn’t have to be scary.
Without it, I wouldn’t be with Connor.
Without it, I wouldn’t have got my degree.
Without it, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post.
This break from blogging has allowed me to understand what it is I want to create, why it is that I want to create it and ultimately, what I want my space on the internet to achieve. I talk about this is in a couple of upcoming posts (yeah that’s right, this gal is well and truly back) but I’ve not been happy with the content I’ve been making and in all honesty? I don’t think I have been for a while.
Captivated by ‘comparison culture’, I’ve spent so much of my online existent desperately trying to be everyone else. ! Newsflash ! That has to change. My refusal to adapt and develop myself as an individual in favour of trying to be like the majority has left me feeling very stagnant – wallowing in the ‘why aren’t I like so and so?’ and ‘oh I wish I was as successful as this person…’. Ultimately, my desperate attempts at trying to fit in have done nothing but isolate myself further.
I guess what I’m trying to say (if you haven’t got the gist already) is that things are going to be changing around here.
New blog design.
New content ideas.
New me … ish*
*I say ish as it’s less ‘new me’ and more ‘hi I’ve been too insecure/scared to actually be me’
Throughout my FMP, I championed my project as being a “voice for the unspoken, a shouting block for the unheard and a means for which people can know that whatever they are going through, and whatever they are feeling is okay” and that’s a mantra I want to carry over to here on my blog.
I’ll be saying goodbye to some old blog post series and hello to some new faces, reinventing the forgotten (oops) and tackling more topics to hopefully get myself back into the headspace that 16-year-old me started this whole thing with. There’ll still be songs and stripes plus everything life but new topics that set my heart on fire and that I hope will set yours alight (not literally of course) too.
The Monthly Soundtracks will be going (there’s a whole post coming your way about that decision don’t ya worry), ‘W.I.L.D’ will be reinvented (hint: get your butts over to my Instagram) and I’ll be tackling things from periods to Primark, Instagram to interiors and everything in between. I’ll be interacting more on social media, using it as more than just a home for Harry Styles retweets (not that they’ll be going anywhere, he’s far too beautiful for that to happen).
Ultimately, I want things to be more authentic, more natural and just a heck of a lot ~me~. Yes, the feeling of uncertainty is scary, but as my Dad always says,
“You won’t get anywhere sat on your arse doing fuck all”